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Question what you know…

I love books or movies that leave me introspective. Not ones that leave me morbidly contemplating how sordid the world can be and how much evil humans can perpetuate upon one another… but stories that make me question things I take for granted. So I’d like to share a few of my favorites with you.

I was 16 when I first read “Strangers from the Sky” by Margaret Wander Bonanno.
Strangers from the Sky Cover ImageIt’s a Star Trek book, but the concept that it explores, like many of the concepts that Gene Roddenberry’s most famous child explored, goes beyond science fiction. What if recorded history is merely what was written down? What if what we ‘know’ is merely what we’ve been told?

Complete Sherlock Holmes Cover Image

Take it a step further… What if what we ‘remember’ is only a part of what actually occurred, or what if our ‘memory’ is false? “I’ll only believe it if I see it!” But can we believe it, even then?

Another of my childhood favorites, devoured during one long sick weekend when I was about 14 years old, ‘The Complete Sherlock Holmes” by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Holmes often expounded on how unreliable eyewitnesses were. Our memory is susceptible to suggestion. When we don’t see something clearly, our minds tend to fill in details which weren’t actually present, or remove things that were there. A simple google search will bring up a plethora of articles discussing just such problems which come up during judicial cases involving juries.

What is fact? Do our history books record the facts?
The Daughter of Time Cover ImageThere’s another book I read, or rather ‘listened to’ more recently, called, ‘The Daughter of Time’ by Josephine Tey. It explores a historically accepted ‘fact’, something pretty much universally ‘known’ by all, about one of England’s Monarchs, and bit by bit, uncovers the actual truth. The real story, there for anyone who cared to do the actual research, and already discovered by many, though most believed the propaganda recorded in most of the history books.

When I ponder these things these days, it always brings to mind the Green Day song, “American Idiot” (link contains song with graphic lyrics). “One nation controlled by the media…” is how part of the song lyrics go. It isn’t merely this one nation though, or this one generation.

How many of us truly think to question what we see on the news? How many of us ask, when we see some sensational video, “what happened before and after this snippet which might give an entirely different perspective on it?” How many times a day do you question what you’ve seen, what you’ve been told, what you’ve been taught, or wonder what you’ve been indoctrinated in since you were a child? How many ‘truths’ do we take for granted? How often do we become complacent or outraged based on what we’ve watched on TV or seen in an article on the internet, and how often do we question the bias behind this ‘news’?

No one piece of news, or eyewitness account, contains the whole of any truth. Unless we see it through a hundred eyes and gain an understanding of each differing but valid perspective, whatever we know, it’s merely a small portion of the whole. I have learned: Take nothing for granted. Question everything. What you ‘know’, may be nothing more than propaganda or a skewed version of the truth.

I love these books and this song for pointing out: “Look again, look more closely, there may be more here than is obvious at first glance.” “Don’t take what you ‘know’ for granted.” “Question what you’ve been told, and even what you think you’ve seen.”

“I’m sorry…” Usage 2: Lack of Confidence/Arrogance

Usage 2: Lack of Confidence/Arrogance (Yes, these belong together.)

Well into my twenties, I was prone to apologizing for everything. I apologized for my own mistakes. I apologized for the mistakes of others. I apologized when I didn’t recognize a mistake. I apologized when I misunderstood or when someone else misunderstood me. “I’m sorry,” was a way of accepting blame, and I quite readily accepted the blame for any and everything. I mentally whipped myself for each and every one of these things as well.

I was somewhere in my mid-twenties when a conversation with an aunt made me realize that in doing this, I wasn’t being humble. It’s strange how low self-confidence can get mixed up with arrogance in this way , but consider this… I expected more of myself than the others around me. I expected to be able to understand and make myself understood better than they were able to do. I expected to succeed even when the task was difficult and most would fail. Hidden underneath all those apologies was the notion that I was simply better and ought not to be failing in this way.

Of course, I wasn’t thinking about it in that way at the time. I just expected myself not to fail where everyone else did. If I did, I beat myself up for it. It was a long hard battle to realize that in accepting blame for everything I was expecting myself to be better than everyone else around me. I had to repeat to myself often, ‘I am not super-human, but human like everyone else… and like them, I make mistakes and am not perfect. If their mistakes are understandable, so are mine, and not cause for self-flagellation.’

I think this is a trap many of us fall into when we’ve had parents or other authority figures who weren’t willing to let us be the person we were and instead placed extraordinary or unreasonable expectations on us. It’s a usage of ‘I’m sorry’ that can definitely stem from Usage #1, though it isn’t the same. It’s definitely a trap though, and one that can be difficult to get out of.

As a note… there can be times when it’s diplomatic to apologize for something that isn’t your fault… but we aren’t speaking here of a conscious choice to apologize for the sake of diplomacy, but a compunction to apologize while genuinely feeling that I should have known/done better, even when others were ‘failing’ far more than myself. ‘I’ was supposed to do better. I look back now and wonder sometimes at the arrogance of calmly accepting the blame for nearly everything, and simply analyzing and planning out in my mind how I would handle it better the next time or what I could do differently.

Sidenote: If you find yourself experiencing the frequent urge to over-apologize, it can also help to have a friend who is willing to yell at you when you apologize needlessly. Such friends are treasures beyond price.

Point of interest: We haven’t yet seen any use of the phrase, “I’m sorry,” which aligns with the dictionary definition of the word ‘sorry.’ The online Merriam-Webster Dictionary has the following definitions for ‘Sorry’:

  1. feeling of sorrow, regret, or penitence
  2. mournful, sad
  3. inspiring sorrow, pity, scorn, or ridicule

Instead we’ve seen:

  1. used to defuse an angry person, even though we don’t feel any regret or penitence, since we can’t figure out what we’ve done wrong
  2. a way of accepting blame, even when we haven’t done anything wrong, and/or enforcing the notion that one is held to higher standards than others

Next up: Usage 3: Empathy/Pity

“I’m sorry…” Usage 1: Tame the Beast

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about those two little words, and what they mean, and how we use them. My own use of this phrase, and my understanding of it, has morphed many times. Join me in this little journey to examine this all too familiar phrase… and the myriad ways in which we use it.

Today, I’ll talk about the first way in which I learned to use the words, “I’m sorry.”

Usage 1: Tame the beast.

As a child, I was usually surrounded by people (an abusive step-father, likewise abusive uncle, etc.) who were never satisfied with anything that I did. I learned that saying ‘I’m sorry,’ could be a way to make people less angry, even if I couldn’t determine what I had done wrong. Obviously I had made them angry, so I would apologize, even if I couldn’t understand where my mistake had been.

The lesson of my childhood: I must be perfect, or I must apologize for failing to be so.

I think perhaps many of us learn this as our first usage of the phrase (though perhaps not to the extreme that I did) when we are young and do not yet understand most things. We make so many mistakes, and then we learn these magical little words… ‘I’m sorry,’ which help defray the consequences of our errors even when we can’t understand what it was that we did wrong.

It’s actually pretty clever of us, if you consider that defusing hostility is the first step taught in anything involving mediation or say… hostage situations. As children, we learn this very useful skill… if we say we’re sorry (regardless of whether or not we actually are), it makes people less angry.

There are more uses of this phrase… I’ll examine another one in the next entry. (Yes, I’m trying to stop ignoring my blog… apologies for doing so for so long!)

A Very Merry Unbirthday to Us!

I’ve been neglecting this blog far FAR too much. I can’t guarantee that the trend will improve very soon, but I thought I’d write a bit about something that’s been on my mind for a while now.

Birthdays!

First… a little bit of background. Storytime!

I’m an odd duck when it comes to Birthdays. I celebrated my own birthday from the ages of 1-5, assisted by my mother. My step-father helped, I suppose, from the ages of 3-5, but since he was as likely to stomp his foot through my birthday presents in fits of pique as not, I don’t count his assistance for much. After the birthday where I turned 5, I had a private conversation with my mother where I informed her that I really hoped she wouldn’t mind, but I didn’t want to celebrate my birthday anymore (or anyone else’s). My mother, champion ever of upholding my right to decide what direction my own life would take, listened to my reasons and agreed to back me. My stepfather wasn’t too happy, but the females were aligned. He could not win. End story!

The pertinent point, in case you missed it, is: I haven’t celebrated any birthday since I was 5 years old. Not mine. Not anyone else’s. No birthday presents. No singing happy birthday. No birthday cards. No birthday parties for me. I did sometimes relent and attend someone else’s birthday celebration, so long as they weren’t going to be offended when I arrived with no gift and remained mute through the birthday song.

The reasons I had for deciding not to celebrate any birthdays though, have become void. They were various, and I won’t go into them here, as this is no way intended to be a debate on that decision I made at the tender age of 5. Still, those reasons no longer apply. I’ve been contemplating for a couple of years now that perhaps I ought to lift that restriction. One of my goals, after all, has been to be a bit more social and less isolated. Not hiding my birth date and allowing other people to participate in a birthday celebration (and being open to participating in theirs) seems like a good idea. After a lifetime of not celebrating any birthdays though, I find myself at a loss.

How do you celebrate a birthday and include others in that?

One of my best friends and I had a conversation that went something like this,

Me: “I think I might relent on celebrating my birthday this year.”

My friend: “Yay! What do you want to do?”

Me: “Um… I don’t know?”

My friend, prompting: “Where do you want to go, or what do you want to do to celebrate it? Do you want to go out somewhere?”

Me, with a blank look: “I have no idea. I’m not used to asking people for anything at all. What am I supposed to do?”

Me again, beginning to feel slightly panicked: “Also, if other people are going to be allowed to celebrate my birthday, then I’ll have to celebrate theirs too. I’ll have to make a calendar to remind me and start trying to figure out how to figure out gifts to buy for other people… I’ve never done that… ” *panicked look at my friend* “I don’t know how to do this!” @____@;;;;

I’m sure at least some of you are either laughing at me by now or possibly shaking your head at how this could seem so hard. You’ve been celebrating birthdays all your life. It’s just something that you do. Everyone does it, right? How could someone NOT KNOW HOW?!

But I don’t. You also can’t tell me that it’s just like a holiday celebration but more personal, because that isn’t something I have any experience in either. My last celebrated holiday was Christmas at the age of 7. Then I abandoned them, too. I know enough to know that celebrations as an adult aren’t the same as celebrations as a child, and after that, I am clueless.

The more I contemplate it, the more I am tempted to abandon the idea simply because I don’t know what to do. There are a million questions that spring to my mind when I think about it, and I’m pretty sure I’m not even asking the right questions.

Of course, my dilemma revolves around how to let other people be a part of it. Or is that the wrong idea to begin with? On my own I think I’d opt to stick with Unbirthdays instead. 364 Unbirthdays in a year vs. 1 Birthday! I’m tempted to opt for persisting in my old and well-worn habits. Either way, I’ve only got one more month to dither this year. I’ve about four more weeks to find questions and answers both, or abandon the notion for another year.

Any ideas?

Blogging Posts!

On a day when I was feeling particularly nonsensical, and my friend was attempting to write a blog post, I uh, came up with these lyrics.

(To the tune of Jingle Bells)

Blogging posts, blogging posts, slogging all the way! Oh what fun it is to write and slog away today! Hey!

Blogging through the night, with my keyboard and my mind, it is time to write, blogging all the way! OH….

Blogging posts, blogging posts, slogging all the way! Oh what fun it is to write and slog away today! Hey!

Blogging through the day, whenever I have spare time, must find time to write, blogging soothes my mind! OH….

Blogging posts, blogging posts, slogging all the way! Oh what fun it is to write and slog away today! HEY!

(You are welcome. Enjoy!)